My Battle With Ageing And Its Consequences

MY BATTLE WITH AGEING AND ITS CONSEQUENCES

Rambling at its best …… Do not expect contextual coherency in this narrative as on this subject, I simply need to babble as my thoughts direct me….

What I discover and what I accept as discovery is such a quandary for me. I have spent 62 years and 4 months discovering. Uncovering who I am at various stages of my life is never a discovery that is easily embraced as cemented in any fact. Verification of how accurate my assessment was is an exercise in futility because the process is so flawed.

I actually began my adventure when I was barely 10. I grew up in loving home with my mom and 3 sisters mostly, (mom and dad divorced), alone and muted. I was loved but ignored, not with malice but directed by life. A life that commanded my sisters to unite as sisters commonly do, leaving me to me. I constructed a world in my room alone which satisfied me at the time. I remember with great fondness how I would play a simulated baseball game, I invented, using dice to create each story. Giants vs the Dodgers mostly..

Once I began my High School years, I found myself searching for my identity, who was I? At that point I had a love of family and sports which defined me. Two major events changed me forever..

1. I was “forced” to read a book that had nothing to do with sports!! “I begrudgingly began to peruse “To Kill A Mockingbird” intent on simply scanning the important parts in order to pass the test later!! I began to read and became absorbed! Read the book in a day!

2. I chose a drama class as my elective when I was a Sophomore

Thanks to those events, I opened doors I had kept closed. I was changed forever..

And as the years accumulated, my physical abilities waning, but my mental prowess enhanced by an ability to reflect and analyze, my priorities were adjusted constantly. I began walking a path focussed on creating my own family.

As we grow older our vision changes, our comprehension is skewed by events that affect us. Events, (at the top and bottom of this spectrum), that cause is great joy or deliver intense pain. Events that mold us into who we are now and/or will be later.

Some of us simply dismiss the painful and continue on, camouflaging the affects by feigning publicly that “we are ok, everything is fine.” I sometimes wish I possessed the ability to do so. I wear “me” on my sleeve for all to see. Often my inability to “fake” me is harshly criticized up to suggesting I need therapy. It can be a very, very, painful existence.

As I began my 6th decade death decided to invade. For the first time in my life I began to realize, I mean REALLY realize, that my immortality, which seemed so obvious in my 20’s and 30’s, was the meanest joke ever played on me! I looked in the mirror and understood …. I will die someday and it may be soon..

I was consumed with genetics and how my Mom died at 47 and my Dad at 64!! I looked at who I had been and who I am today and was angry. Angry that, to me, I was a disappointment..

Angry that I could have done more, made less enemies, been quieter when the situation allowed me to choose, divorced faster when I was in love with Jack Daniels and his friends, And so much more. At the time, decisions made in my youth seemed so sane, so right, so legitimate. Now, at 62, I shake me head and wonder how and why?

As we walk this path we call life, we tend to simply exist in the time we are in, not REALLY looking at our future..taking what we have that is wonderful for granted and selfishly demanding more, seldom stopping to “Smell the roses.” We seldom realize how swiftly life can change and how much we can lose in a split second..

“Loss is a sobering phenomenon” that ALWAYS leaves its mark. We are bruised for life and in too many cases we medicate our wounds by altering who we are, we change and it is usually not in a positive way.

I wish I would have embraced the aroma of sweet roses much more frequently as I moved forward with this life. But, like all of us, I became, and still am, distracted.

So my war with aging is ongoing as I wake up every morning looking forward now to another day at living. I take the meds I need, get the rest my aging requires, do my best to eat better and exercise, while I exorcise my past mistakes and dedicate me to smile more and live each day for today.

Wish me luck as my gait slows, my muscles and bones scream at me to stop, my memories fade, and self doubt follows me, haunting me, consuming me..

Wish me luck as I transverse forward into my future hoping my final days are far into the future and my ability to forgive me for who I was and what I did wrong are replaced with me reconciling for me that I did the best I could…

Which is real truth.

Whenever  I head north.. I cry every time I stop and sit by their headstones. They will NEVER be forgotten..

I was recently told that “your kids don’t owe you anything.” The comment caused me to pause. I paused, not because I did not agree, but because the statement is inconsistent to how I see the world in so many cases. Is it true? There is no finite answer to that question because the answer can only come from the children who’s responsibility is to determine which answer they embrace.. And neither answer is wrong.

I my case, I see so many adults now taking care of their aging parents who are suffering with debilitating illnesses that have molded them into a person not easily recognized as the strong and vibrant parent these adults grew up with. I see these amazing sons and daughters and the tears flow. Their dedication and sacrifice absolute proof to me that, to many Sons and Daughters, the comment referenced is castrated by their actions.

We all have to make a choice and if either of my parents had lived to experience an age where their faculties did not allow them to function alone…

TRUST ME – I WOULD BE THERE BECAUSE I DO OWE THEM .. And I am proud that I recognize it..